I love black thongs
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
