Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
