can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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