I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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