The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
