I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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