i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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