I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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