i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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