Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
