hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just took my morning after pill in the library
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
