i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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