My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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