I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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