I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
