i was born a porn star she said
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
