Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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