If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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