I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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