If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize