friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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