Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize