Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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