grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
