my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
