There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
