It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I met the friendliest cop last night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
