So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
