And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
