Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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