The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
