morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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