Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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