What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
