What did we do last night that was yellow?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
bring money and cleavage
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
