Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
