I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I deserve this hangover.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
