I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
