If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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