Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
false alarm, still single
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
