The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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