I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
