Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
