he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
