Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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