my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
