I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
