And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
