I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
