You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
