he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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