if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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