how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The Olympian is in my bed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
