if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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