I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
