He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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