I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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