True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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