I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
