One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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