do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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