He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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