Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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