Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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