Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
