he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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